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Can This Dating Relationship Be Fixed? Take Some Responsibility
I've been counseling couples for 35 years. Very often individuals come in for assistance and wonder if it is actually possible to save or fix their dating relationship.
Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it's often easy to see what your dating partner is doing that's harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you're doing. Yet, until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you'll take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into yet another relationship.
It is generally a waste of time - unless there's physical abuse - to leave a relationship just before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is once you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing.
If you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still acting in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it is time to leave. You'll need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are healthy and balanced and supportive of your own well-being.
When the partner who's available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things develops. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes a lot more open, or the relationship becomes a lot more distant and tough.
I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal, half the time things get much better and half the time they get worse. They have to be okay with either outcome. In fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of understanding how to take loving care of themselves.
Let us take some examples.
Craig is unfulfilled in his marriage since his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig views himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving tendencies, blaming her for his unhappiness. On the other hand, Craig is an equal part of the relationship system.
If he has the guts to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based upon his truth, then either things will get much better or they are going to get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is when he is willing to lose Gloria as opposed to continue to lose himself.
Marilyn is committed to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she has to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, meet up with pals, join a support group or go to Alanon, she'll no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through alcohol.
If Marilyn proceeds to take care of herself over a time - 6 months to a year - and absolutely nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can choose to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exists that when Marilyn puts a stop to pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may possibly choose to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this love affair be helped? Maybe. If not, get some assistance on the best way to successfully transition into the dating scene, by searching: guy gets girl, guygetsgirl, and david deangelo review.
Do your inner work and find out!
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